Anger Issues.

 ImageI still have a lot of bitterness about mom dying. 6 years later and part of me is still in the anger stage.

 

I am angry that she got stuck with an oncologist that was too proud to admit that he didn’t know enough about her cancer to be treating her. That he told her and dad that she had “plenty of time” to decide what kind of treatments she wanted to try. When in fact, with soft tissue cancers, as soon as you disturb them…like with surgery…they start to spread. I am still so angry that he lied to them.

 

I am angry that I was lied to, everyone knew how sick she was except for me and my brother. They were trying to protect us. Word of advice, don’t do that. I knew she was sick, because she was in the hospital a lot, but having never really been around someone with cancer I kind of thought that was par for the course. I didn’t know how serious it was. Everyone wanted me to go see her, but I didn’t want to see her that way… I would just see her when she got home. I also didn’t drive yet so I couldn’t take myself…everyone knew how sick she was…someone should have just picked me up and taken me. I regret so much that I didn’t spend more time with her…but I just didn’t realize. I didn’t know.

 

My heart hurts so much when I think about who everyone lost when she died… me and James lost our mom. My aunts and uncle lost a sister. But my dad, my dad’s loss hurts me most of all. He lost his wife, he lost his chance to grow old with her, like you’re supposed to.

 

It also hurts me that all of the kids in our family don’t get to know her. She would have loved them all so much and they have no idea who she is outside of pictures. My dad told me about when my cousin Estelle brought her oldest to the hospital to see mom after he was born. Mom held him and just cried. I think Dad is finally realizing that she probably knew then that she wasn’t going to watch him grow up.

 

And that loss hurts too…her loss. The life she didn’t get to finish.